Something happened to me a fortnight ago. It changed me and I know it has changed my life. And it’s something that will always haunt me, no matter how much time or healing passes.
I’m not ready to say what it is, hell I can’t even say it aloud … to anyone.
I’ve told as little people as possible, a grand total of 5 people know. All very close to me, all devastated and all burdened by it. I never wanted that. I’m one of those people who will do ANYTHING to make sure my loved ones aren’t hurt by me, burdened, disadvantaged by me. One of the people that I’ve told, who were one of the firsts to know, is Him. It was a massive step to let him know. He could of done two things, accepted what had happened and be willing to help me or freak out and run away. I was terrified of the second option happening as he has a habit of doing things like that.
But instead he came through. He has stood by me, believed in me, helped me, basically he’s been my knight in shining armor. How he sees me, how he treats me is no different to how he treated me before it happened. He as been amazing and i cannot thank him enough for his constant care and support.
But now it’s my time to be there for him, and i don’t know how. He finally found out his orders … Where he will be posted for the next three or so years. Its ages away from home, its a 4/5 hour plane ride and a 2/3 hour car ride to get to him. When he told me, my heart stopped and then broke a little for the both of us. He’s not happy but he’s trying to make the most of it. I’m proud of him for doing that. But I know he needs support, I just have no idea how to give it to him. I don’t know what to say, because i was hoping, praying, wishing he’d get the base here at home. And its hard to be strong when you’re equally as disappointed.
At times he is okay and other times, a lot of the time for the past week, he’s been pushing me away, pulling away. And there’s nothing I can do, nothing that seems to get through to him. All I want to do is be there for him, hug him, reassure him that it wont be so bad … Even if I don’t believe it. But he’s purposfully avoiding me, not terribly, but its there. And he does this everytime there is a massive change coming up. He goes from being himself, to overly protective and caring, to pretty much dropping off the face of the earth or pushing me away to the point I get frustrated, back to being himself. And this process could take months.
I don’t know. I wish I could be with him, but I can’t. He still has another few weeks of training before his Grad and then he’ll be moving to his new base and then home for christmas (fingers crossed!). He needs a break.
The Military sucks sometimes.
First post of Spring!
Today I had set aside to organize my life (yet again) … But I missed my alarm, fell down a couple of stairs and did my ankle in, realised that no one in my family has gone shopping (including me) so there is NOTHING to eat and noticed that my bank account has been frozen (still). Awesome start to the morning.
Hopefully after the icepack has melted and I have strapped my ankle it will be okay and I will be able to drive to my bank and figure out why my account hasn’t been unfrozen yet.
I have about a million assignments to do, thankfully they aren’t due for another couple of weeks but … The weather is too nice to be stuck inside writing up stupid Psych papers. Excuses Excuses I know but I’ve had a crappy week so far .. Im entitled to them.
I’m sorry for the lack of recipe updates, I have been so poor and busy lately that I just haven’t been able to get to the shops let alone cook something and have time to eat it like a civilised human being. But they will be coming, I have Uni holidays coming up at the end of this month and its when I plan to start a whole new routine. Make a few more changes to my life.
Talking about changes, I can’t believe how much I’ve grown and changed this year. From the start of this year to now .. I never thought i’d make it this far. But I have and I’ve had the strength to let go, change and grow. It amazes me what you can do when you set your heart and mind to something.
And as for my last post?
That was …. I think I was totally stressed and tired from Uni. When he told me I was in a class and it was just the icing on top of a very unstable cake. But when I woke up the next morning my head and heart was clear. I was surprised at how quickly I “got over it”. But as another blogger explained to me, he took me back to a place of hurt. It wasn’t that I was falling back into that big black hole more that he reminded me of someone I used to be and the hurt I felt.
A few days after he brought it up again and tried to understand WHY he did it. He cannot figure out why he slept with her and kept reassuring me that it wasn’t anything to do with me personally. It wasn’t because she was prettier, or smarter or better then me in any way, shape or form. His explanation and this other blogger’s amazing comments helped me to understand what was going on.
I also explained to him that yes it did hurt and it did upset me at first but that it’s something I, we, can move past. I know there’s no point in tearing him apart over it or causing more damage to our already shaky friendship.
And on that note …. Spring is finally here. Flowers, sunshine and warmth. It means that summer is just that much closer as is christmas, beach, parties and holidays. And before we know it, it will be a new year with new possibilities and new loves.
Some may not be ready, but bring on December …. Christmas. Summer. Beach and a whole new year.