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Drum Roll Please …. “Defacto”

Published July 5, 2015 by Tasha

We were driving in his car, on the way to drop me back off at my dorm. Our bellies were full from lunch and we were quiet because it was our last day together for a few weeks. 
It was in that moment, as we stopped at a red light, that I asked him where he thought we were going. You see, throughout the last few years he had always squirmed at the idea of “marriage” or “living together”. It wasn’t so much a commitment thing, more a personal thing. I knew this when I moved to be closer to him, and I made sure that I wasn’t moving JUST for him. I knew full well that after he posted out of the NT, we could very much go our separate ways. He gets posted away and I graduate University and go my own way in life. No matter how much history we had, or the crazy chemistry that had kept us alive over miles and miles and miles throughout the years, I knew that maybe we just weren’t meant to be together in the “grown up” world. Maybe we were highschool sweethearts that weren’t able to be anything else then that first big love of your life.

So when he looked at me with those breath taking blue eyes, smiled his charming smile and said “I’ve been thinking about us becoming defacto”, I knew something had shifted. 
Yes, I almost choked and it took me a full couple of minutes to recover from the shock. He relished the idea that he had rendered me speechless and took the moment to expand on what he had just said. 
We were on the main road back to campus at this point. My mind was buzzing, I had so many questions but I was unable to say anything apart from stare at him or out the window as he quickly explained where he was coming from. 

As he spoke about defacto and how he had been thinking about it for a few months (way before I even thought it was a possibility) I couldn’t stop thinking about how far he had come. FINALLY. After all these years, after all this time, it was coming together. FINALLY. Finally this day had come. 

That was a few months ago now. Since then the “idea” of becoming defacto is now a very real possibility. There are still a few hurdles to jump through, like money, we have to overcome first. But the very notion of this means the world to me. We are aiming to get a house to start (and complete) the defacto process at the end of this year. As we are going away on a holiday near the end of this year, getting a place will be tricky. But at the end of this year, beginning of next, is the only time we have to do it before I have to sign a year long contract at the Uni campus or become homeless.

I can’t believe how far we have come, just this year alone! And my love for him just keeps growing … Maybe we were meant to last in this crazy ride we call the “adult world”.
Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really lucky, you get to keep the first big love of your life.

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Saying Goodbye

Published February 15, 2015 by Tasha

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

Date Night

Published December 24, 2014 by Tasha

I was 20 minutes late. As I flew up the stairs that led into the house, I slammed into my mum.
“Someone’s in a hurry”
“I’m late!” I hollered as I hurried down the hallway, “I’m 20 minutes late!”
I don’t think I’ve ever got dressed, put my make up on and got my hair done that quick. Ever. The things he makes me do.

It was a beautiful night. We haven’t had a dinner date, or any date really, for so long. It was all smiles and laughter. Lots of cuddles and kisses. Dinner was amazing and we ate so much food I almost had to roll out of the restaurant.  He took me to Mt Cootha, which is a hill that overlooks the city. And on a clear night, you can see all the city lights. You can see all the planes flying into the airport and all the cars speeding along the road. From that mountain top, everything looks tiny. Everything looks like you could pick it up and play with them. And then it was back to my mums place, where I’m staying, for a few movies.

I wish we could do things like that more often.

Just Another Update

Published December 19, 2014 by Tasha

I’m sitting here, right next to the air con, trying to get cool. Queensland is horrible. Its dry, windy heat that we don’t have in the Northern Territory.
Beside me are my mum’s flatmate’s three poodles. They too are stretched out on the bed trying to find away to cool down. It’s too hot.

For the past 4 months I’ve gone to sit down and write, but instead I’ve stared at the blank screen trying to figure out what to write. How do I make my ordinary life interesting? How do I reach out to my followers like all those good blogs do? How do I touch your lives with my seemingly boring one?
I don’t have an answer, so instead I’ll give you just another update.

Since my last entry, nothing much has changed. Same things, just a different day. Uni, Work, Training,  Boyfriend. Everything is going smoothly.
Although I didn’t do as well as I wanted to in Uni this year, I accomplished other things. My horse is really coming along. He’s fat and happy, not getting the exercise he deserves right now but that will soon change when I get back from my holiday in Queensland.

My relationship is better than ever. Sometimes I wait for the other shoe to drop, I wait for a problem to crop up and shatter this blissful feeling, but no. Every hurdle that comes out way we seem to just step over effortlessly. Together. We travel back and forth to each other, mostly taking it in turns. I’m absolutely in love with him. I hope it’s only upwards from here.

Nothing much has changed in the last four months. I’m feeling much more settled in Darwin. I still struggle to call in home, but I feel content and happy there. Poor for the majority of the time, but just rich enough to put a little petrol in the ute and just a little food in me. The life of a Uni student I suppose.

I wont promise you I’ll start writing more, but I’d like to try. Its good and healthy and it keeps me busy in the heat of the day.
So, I’ll see you soon lovelies.

2014 …. Sorry.

Published January 17, 2014 by Tasha

My first post of 2014 …. And I really don’t want to write anything.

I am so sorry that I haven’t been posting much, my family and I have been going through some massive changes that I’m yet to write about. The changes are both exciting and scary. And an eye opener. And a reality check. And … A lot of things. Some of them were hard to face, while others I can’t wait for.
During the next few days I’ll write a big post where I still my guts to you all. But right now I need to take a moment to myself and just breath. Its been a whirlwind of emotions, mainly good. And this will probably be the only time this year I can totally be by myself.

Plus, today didn’t exactly start off that well. All my plans for the day went down the toilet when my car didn’t start. I panicked because where I live, if you don’t have a car you have no hope of going anywhere. Cars are the only transport. I called RACQ and they figured out that it was my key causing the problem. It wasn’t my car, my car is perfectly fine. Its my key that has died. I was so embarrassed!

So todays a breathing day, with a side of dance training and semi formal shopping with my baby sister.

My Promise To You

Published December 17, 2013 by Tasha

Let me just make this clear … I did not write this. But I think it is amazing and so very true. Every military spouse would be able to relate to this.

A lovely lady wrote this during her husdand’s second tour.
beautifully written.
http://toloveasoldier.blogspot.com.au/2011/02/promises.html

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week – most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won’t be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

But I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door

Just A Mess

Published March 19, 2013 by Tasha

I’m sitting here surrounded by mess. Behind me is my unmade bed, clothes scattered around. To my right is piles of text books, some old, some new. There are crumbled bits of paper, pens, folders, pictures, a cork board (that’s meant to have all my notices pinned up there), even a hair straightener is tangled up in the mess. To my left is unpaid bills, receipts, books and just random papers. In all my room is reflecting my life right now … One. Big. Mess.

In front of me, taped to the window, is a A4 list of jobs that I have to do ASAP. My Uni assignment due this weekend, is lying in my lap, staring at me. I haven’t started.
I desperately want to sort my life out. I want to reach all my goals and achieve something by the end of this year. But I can’t seem to. Its all tiring. I fell exhorted all the time, apart from when I try to sleep … Then I just lie awake for hours, tossing and turning. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I use to be extremely motivated, especially by horse competitions. Now nothing can inspire me. I thought I was depressed for awhile there. After the break up I withdrew from everything. I stopped eating, I stopped going out with friends, I stopped doing things I loved, I stopped being me. Because, if “me” was enough, why did he leave?
I know now why he left and that it had nothing to do with me, I know that how I coped with the break up was normal but not necessarily healthy. But now it seems as if I can’t do anything.

I started a new job at the end of February and I thought that was going well, but it has been sliding backwards for awhile now. I make mistakes, I mess up, I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m not fast enough, or good enough. Seriously, some nights it feels like I am one step away from being fired. It really is starting to freak me out.

My horse is turning 10 this year. And for anyone that is a horse rider here, will know that 10-12 is the best years of a horse. They are settled, calm and well educated. My horse is an extremely talented Warmblood. He is just waiting for me to make something of him. He truly is an amazing animal but even seeing him in his paddock right now is getting me down. I feel like my horse and I have just gone backwards. It feels like we aren’t getting anywhere and I don’t know what else to do. I would get a trainer again but I don’t have the money and my parents aren’t willing to help me out.
I look at him and see how far we come but then when I ride him I know that the both of us have slipped back so much. I am hoping that with a bit of saving I can get a lesson once a month. And I am praying that all the work I have done with him hasn’t vanished.

I honestly feel like I’m drowning. And I don’t know why.

I guess that’s why I write … To get it down on paper. For it to start making sense again (And I am so sorry for the people the read my whiny, depressive posts like this one)
I see now what I have to do.
I have to take a deep breath, I have to press on and push a little harder. My life can’t stop anymore, I can’t let this year slip by anymore than I have. No matter how tired I am I have to live.

I think I have to be the girl I was before my world was turned upside down. I have to be that strong, independent, determined, free spirited, happy-go-lucky, loving life girl. I don’t know where she is, but it is about time that I find her again. No guy is going to be attracted to this mess.

And you know what? The first thing I am going to fix, is my room. After all … It’s getting a little hard to walk in here!