relationships

All posts tagged relationships

Saying Goodbye

Published February 15, 2015 by Tasha

You know its coming and even though you’ve gone it a million times before, it still leaves you feeling empty. It leaves you feeling hollow and alone, even if you’d just had the most amazing time with him. And every time they leave you have that moment, that second, where you really consider what it’s doing to you. To them. To the relationship. Instead of seeing a light at the end of this dark, tiring tunnel, you see a small flicker and sometimes, in these moments, it almost goes out completely. Almost.

By now, coming into our third year of distance, this May, I have a routine down pat. Once he leaves, I walk back into my room with my heart still beating fast from that last kiss, that last hug, those last few touches and I curl up in bed. It still smells like him and I wrap myself in the blankets, with his hoodie on, and I fall asleep for a few hours. He usually gives me a text when he’s arrived home, just so I know he’s okay. We’ll talk for a little bit before one of us falls asleep. And then I get up the next day and go about my business, wishing I could come home to him.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And there have been, there are times, that we have both really thought about what we are doing. Moving to Darwin was a decision I made to close the distance, but even then, we still have a car ride and fuel prices to pay before we can make the trip to see each other.

One day it will be over. One day he will come home to me, every single night. One day I will be able to wake up to him every single morning and not have to worry about when he is leaving again. One day we will have a place of our own.
One day, we will look back and say “we’ve made it.”

Airport Pick Ups – The Turning Point

Published March 1, 2014 by Tasha

I can’t believe how far my man and I have come.

What brought me to this heart melting moment was the “Airport Dilemma”.  This is something that has been going on since he enlisted in 2012. Every time he came home on leave his mother would pick him and drop him off. No questions asked. I wasn’t asked how I felt about it or asked if I wanted to come. I just had to accept that his mother and sister would be the first one to see him and I would have to wait a day or two before I saw him. I understand that you need family time and family is important, but there are things that are unacceptable and waiting two days to see someone that supposedly  “means the world” to you and who you “miss more than anything”, is something that’s not on in my books.
But at the end of the day, his mother was the one that picked him up, dropped him off and did eveything in between. That was just a fact and even though it hurt and it bugged me to the extreme I just let it slid.

Actually I let a lot of things slide, until last time he was home.
Christmas/New Years break. I could, maybe, count how many times I saw him on one hand in the five/six weeks he had home. That was the final straw for me and I had this big talk with him. I laid out how I wanted to be treated and if he wasn’t willing to treat me like that, then I needed him to walk away and this time not to come back. Ever.
It took us about a month and a bit to recover from our fights over Christmas break (due to the fact that I was getting more and more upset and frustrated that his words and actions were not matching up in the slightest. I was feeling incredibly used. And it almost felt like he didn’t  care.) and the big message I sent him and the conversation that followed.

Because we are at long distance I didn’t know how he was going to prove how his actions and words were going to match up this time. There wasn’t anything we or I could do apart from moving on and to wait until he came home in April.

That was until tonight. Tonight was a turning point for us. For him at least. It showed me that he had taken what I’d said on board. It proved to me that he was willing to treat me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated.

Tonight he asked me to pick him up at the Airport. Just me. Only me. I will be the first one to see him. To a lot of you, you’re probably going to think I’m crazy. You get to pick up your loved one with his family or yours or just by yourself every time. Don’t take it for granted. For some of us it’s a rare luxury.

When he asked I squealed and then quickly bit into my pillow. I have roommates who are probably fast asleep and hearing me scream at 1 o’clock in the morning is probably a little strange. So I had to settle for, biting my pillow and rolling around in my sheets. Butterflies were exploding from my heart. They still are … Even though we said good night about 20 minutes ago.
He told me that his mum would have happily picked him up but he wanted me to be there. Jaw-dropping moment.

That. Right there. Was the turning point. The point were he proved to me that he meant what he was saying.

Struggling Update

Published January 23, 2014 by Tasha

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms about whats happening and its taken equally as long to accept. Normally writing about such things given me some sort of peace, a out let. Isn’t that why we all do it? To see all our thoughts and feelings on a page, and try to make sense of it all.
And sometimes it does. You have those moments, in mid-sentence, where it suddenly all becomes clear. But this time I had to make some sort of sense of whats happening to actually put it in words.

My parents are separating.
To a lot of you, it sounds so simple. Sure, you will understand how messy it can get and how upsetting it can be. But to me, its one thing on top of another. My mother is being left with nothing and my father is someone I don’t even recognize  anymore. My sister cries herself to sleep every night and she is so close to jumping off the deep end. My family is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it.

I was brought up in a Christian household. Separation/ divorce is a sin. I was brought up with strong beliefs and as I’ve gotten older I have adapted and formed my own values and beliefs. But when your parents, who have taught you that love is eternal and marriage is forever, suddenly announce their separation it shakes you and everything you thought you believed in, seems to crumble. It has taken me many months and several heart to hearts with Him to right myself again. My sister on the other hand, is a ball of rage and I’m yet to figure out who or what she’ll take it out on.

Things started off fine and then they got messy. My father started threatening my mum and she is doing everything in her power to keep him happy so she can have my sister 50/50. Including not getting anything, no money, no house nothing. All the money is going to my father and my mum is starting off from scratch. From her first pay check. Luckily she is able to flat with her best friend, but she is still expected to pay for my sister’s private school, her ballet and girl guides. Among supporting herself and my sister as just two people.
I have never been more mad at my father.

Luckily I am able to almost support myself and my horse. And thankfully I am moving out in 8-10 days. Which is the happy part of all things. I will be moving out with my best friend and her boyfriend. And even though their relationships isn’t the best right now, we cannot wait to live together. And I can’t wait to start living this new chapter of my life.

The Boy (Him) is good. Things have been a little rough the past week but we are slowly pushing through. We are starting to prove to each other that we’re both as serious about this as the other. And I am starting to believe him when he says “I’m here to stay”. We still have a very long way to go and we still have a lot of battles we need to overcome, but its nice to have peace in at least once aspect of my life.

I guess that’s it for now. As I settle into my new house I will start back with the recipes and they will flood your feed! I have some good ones up my sleeve.

“A lot can change in a year”

Published December 31, 2013 by Tasha

I can hardly believe that a year as nearly been and done. It has gone too fast. And I can hardly believe that this time last year I was curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out feeling like I’d never be okay again. I can’t believe how my life has changed, how much I’ve grown and just how much I have learnt about myself. About the power of the heart, the meaning of forgiveness and love, knowing that I just have to have faith.

It would of been just a few short days from now that He said those words, “a lot can change in a year”. I didn’t believe him. At that time he was my best friend, my recently ex boyfriend how had ripped my heart out in the cruelest way without much of a reason or warning. I refused to believe him when he said, “I’ll come back to you.” I wanted to desperately to believe that, I wanted to cling onto that. I wanted to be assured that I would be given happiness with him again. But as with all break ups, you aren’t given that reassurance. So I had to go on without him and with that I grew stronger. I became more independent, wanting my own things and forming my own dreams. I had my fair shares of falls, only a month after my break up, my best friend was murdered. She died in my arms. And that is something I will never heal from, I will only learn to live with the ache of her absence. Her murder, or “accident” as we thought it was at the time, has been a on going thing. But that helped me grow into the person I am now. And then my parents announced their divorce.  Which coming from a Christian household was like having the ground open up and threaten to eat you. That taught me, is continuing to teach me, one hundred and one things. And then I had something truly awful happen to me in October, it has taken a toll on both Him and me. That situation taught me to be careful who I trust, who I drink around and to always be on guard, even if you’re with your closest friends.
Everything that has happened this year has shown me the power of being and adult, the harshness of consequences, and the strength of the human heart and soul.

Last year I was barely getting through New Years. I was on a little boat, watching fireworks with my family. Forcing laughter and faking smiles. I kept checking facebook and hovering my finger over the “friends” button next to His name. It was the only form of contact I could of had, I’d deleted everything else and anyone else associated with him. On that boat, pretending that I was happy, I tried hard not to remember the previous New Years. We’d been on a beach, he spent hours upon hours telling me what he had planned for us. Our little day dream. To have that crash down, is something I could never explain.

This New Years has done a total 360. My ex and I (Him) have overcome so much, we have both healed and grown. We have supported, encouraged and carried each other through our darkest moments,  and now it’s time to just relax and let go. Having him here for New Years is one amazing thing in itself but going out, spending this time together, exploring our city’s nightlife together …. These are the memories that we will take with us when we’re apart.

As fast as 2013 has gone, I am not sad to see it go. I have big expectations for 2014 and I pray, I hope, that 2014 is miles better than the year I’ve just had. It is starting well though.
I have my Airman, the man of my dreams, holding me, surrounded by our closest friends. I have an amazing dress that I’m completely in love with and for once this year I am happy. Nothing fake about it. Nothing forced. I am happy, excited, thrilled …. For the first time in a while I feel free and comfortable.
That’ something, isn’t it?

Changes

Published November 20, 2013 by Tasha

I’m writing this just before work. My rooms a mess, from the previous week of exams, my head is thinking of a hundred and one things I have to do, and, unfortunately, my body can only do one thing at a time.

I have finally finished all Uni exams and is on holidays. FINALLY. I can’t even begin to explain how good that feels. Knowing that I don’t have to be stressed about an up coming exam, or feel guilty about watching a movie when I really should be studying. This feeling was short lived when He got new orders …. Or as I like to say, an Add On.
In mid-Febuary next year he will be posted overseas. We don’t know for how long yet, but because he is going with his new Squadron, hopefully it will only be for 3-6 months. Its frustrating that we have no idea whats happening with that, and as equally as frightening. Him on the other hand is over the moon he’s going. And so he should be. Being posted overseas is a big deal for him and his future. He will rank up quicker and he will be one of the youngest going over there. If he can handle it well, behave himself and do as he’s told, it will be like gold on his record.
As happy as I am for him, I am also sad. We are just getting back on track, we are finally okay again and then this is thrown our way. I guess this will be the test.

I am also starting my new routine of dance, work, gym, cooking and riding. My life is finally organised (unlike my room) all I need to do now is follow it.
I am also working two jobs, which makes me also working full time. I’ll tell you why I have to work so much a little later, once things are finalised a little more. But its exciting! And I can’t wait for it!!

He … The love of my life … Is graduating tomorrow. I couldn’t be more thrilled or more proud. He has overcome so much. He has put his heart and soul into his training and now, as of tomorrow, he will be finished. He will get to spend the day today and tomorrow with his family. He will be able to celebrate everything, all his ups and downs. And I wish with all my heart that I could be there, but unfortunately that isn’t the way it worked out.
Then a week exactly from yesterday, he will be home. I will be in his arms again. As he said last night, “I will be coming home to you.” I never thought those words could melt my heart as much as they did. Coming home to you. After everything that’s happened, I never thought he’d stay them again.

There are so many changes happening in my life, all for the good. And I couldn’t be happier right now. It’s funny how things have a way of working out in the end, isn’t it?

#10 – Letters to Him

Published October 11, 2013 by Tasha

To You Baby,

Last weekend was magical.
It was breathtaking, it was exciting, it was also heart breaking. When you wrapped your arms around me and I reached up on my tiptoes to nuzzle into your neck, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed you.
When I breathed in your familiar cologne, when I saw you walking briskly towards me in uniform, with that smile, I didn’t notice how much my heart had ached for you.

When I saw you, hugged you, heard your voice first hand for the first time in four months …. It took me completely by surprise when my eyes started pooling with tears. I blinked them away before you could notice and replaced it with a smile that only you can bring out, but it still hurt. Just a little and in a familiar happy way. It was the way I use to feel every time I’d fly down to see you after being apart for a few months. Bittersweet. I was seeing you again after waiting but I knew that our time would end and we would have to return to the waiting again.

Last weekend told me everything I needed to know. I know you felt the same way. Those moments when I would turn to you and you’d already be gazing at me. So soft, so kind, so gentle. Those times when you’d murmur my name in the middle of the night, or the times when you wouldn’t stop holding me.

The four months we spent apart, struggling, felt like an eternity but the 3 days we spent together felt like a second. And then it was time for the goodbye. The last hug, the last kiss, the last word before you turned your back and walked slowly back to your truck. I stood there and watched you for as long as I could. Then I got in my car and shut the door quietly, I punched the address into the GPS and started my journey back home.

This time I didn’t let myself cry. I took a deep breath, reminded myself I will see you in two months and started to drive. I must have replayed our few days together a thousand times over by the time I walked through my front door.
This time I made myself focus on my work, on the life I have here. The hopes, the dreams, the reality. And then, when it’s time to fall back into bed, I let my mind wander to you, to us, and I find myself smiling. I go to sleep with a distant smile on my lips.

I don’t recognise myself as your girlfriend, because I’m not. We’re not there. But neither do I consider myself as your friend. I know I’m that at the very least, in our darkest moments. I know that I’m considerably more than your friend. I’m your “person” just like you’re mine. It will always be that way with us. We will always have that bond, that connection, that somehow cannot be broken. No matter what happens to us now, in the future, “we” will never be completely broken. It’s comforting.

Thank you for such a perfect weekend. It’s one that I’ve needed for a long time. And even though the timing is all wrong right now, we still have each other. We have dragged each other through hell and back this year, but somehow we’ve come out of it okay. Both stronger, more mature …. More confident people.

So thank you baby, whatever the future holds for us … I know you’re going to be there. Just like I will be. Always.

Butterflies

Published September 24, 2013 by Tasha

In 9 days I will be seeing Him again.

Every time I think about it my heart stops … Or beats really fast. I don’t know. I’m half way between excited and down right nervous. And before you start asking questions, yes I am talking about my ex. No we aren’t together but we are working things out … Slow and steady.

In 8 days I will be packed and traveling to another state.

A road trip I have always wanted to take. It’s going to take 2 days and a nights stay in another state,  but for 3 days and 3 nights it will be all about Us. No family drama, no Uni drama, no drama. Just Him, me and a lot of time to catch up. Four months is a long time. Longer than we have ever gone before.
I’m taking a friend’s puppy down with me to his new home …. So it will be a long trip with just me, spring weather, open roads and a 14 week old puppy. I’m fairly sure I’m going to be tired as by the time I get to my destination but I will have time before he gets in. The only thing better would be if I could have organised it as a surprise. But it would of been impossible.

I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling. I’m sitting at home alone with Gossip Girl running in the background, the dogs curled up next to me and the bird chatting away nosily. All i can think about is when I’ll see him walk through that door. I always think about those moments. When I used to fly down to him, i’d always think about what I would do/say when i saw him standing there, waiting for me. But it came naturally. The hellos, the first kisses and hugs ….The “see you soon”s … All came so naturally for us. I hope this time is the same. I hope I don’t freeze.

I have so many appointments set up and I’ve purposefully made the next 8 days the most busy so time doesn’t have the chance to drag by and torture me.

This post makes absolutely no sense … Bare with me, my head doesn’t make any sense either. All I want is the next week to hurry up and get here …. Waiting sucks.
And these butterflies are going to kill my insides! They need to be squashed.