Uni

All posts tagged Uni

Half – way There

Published July 28, 2014 by Tasha

I know, I know. Its been a while.
I haven’t forgotten you guys, I’m just incredibly busy.

We arrived at Tindal Saturday afternoon, the 19th. We were tired, annoyed, and over driving, over each other. We were totally and utterly sick of each other, or maybe that was just the exhaustion setting in.

My Ute decided to crap itself half- way there. In the middle of no where. With no phone reception.

The new shoxs that were put in after the car was serviced, completely exploded. As in the car was no drivable at all, and red stuff and bits of the shoxs flew everywhere. That lost us a day.
The Boy and I were frantically driving back and forth trying to get new shoxs. NO ONE had any in store and we would have to wait a day (at the least) to wait for them. This is after we (or should I saw he) drove the 4 hours to the nearest town, Mt Isa.

Neither of us had a good nights sleep, so we both woke up grumpy and tired. The next day wasn’t much better.
I had to make the 4 hour trip to the Ute in a car with a mechanic and then back again, by myself. I do not recommend it.

But. I am here now. Northern Territory. Darwin. My new “home”.
My dorm is finally all unpacked and everything is where it should be.
My beautiful horse is happy in his (extremely bare) paddock, and has enjoyed no week of exercise.
I am trying, and succeeding, to fit into Uni life and living on Campus. Its only my second week at this Uni, but I’m finding it really good.

The only thing that isn’t going well, is the Boy. I don’t know what’s  going on there, God knows I’ve tried to ask. He’s moody, touchy and just not his usual affectionate self.  After a few days of crying and trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, convinced that he’s going to break up with me … I’ve now just settled into a calm space.
He’s having his moment and I just have to give him his space.

As my best friend said, this is a big change. Not only for me but for him. Having me a hell of a lot closer (only 3 hours car drive away) then a $800/$1000 4 hour plane trip away. So I’m letting him chill.
I am too busy for his shit right now. And until he wants to talk or tells me it’s over, everything is okay.

He will come around. He always does.

And you know what’s “funny”? I thought being closer to him would almost guarantee that i get to spend more time with him. Nope. Now I won’t be able to see him for a month + because of some sort of military exercise. Fuck.

As for me. I’m trying to fit in riding, Uni (study!!!), work (when i get it), gym, and soccer (just need to find a team). I’m not sure about the soccer, I’m not sure how much comittment it’s going to require. I know that I will have shows some weekends (next season) and other weekends I’ll be with the Boy.
Will i have time to attend their games as well?
But in saying that I really want to try.

Sorry this is such a mismatch post. I’m so tired.
It’s 10 to 11pm here and I’m yet to have a shower.
Ugh.

MIA -Blame exams!

Published June 14, 2013 by Tasha

I’ll make this quick, I promise.

So I’ve been a little MIA lately and I’ll continue to be for a few more days while I complete my exams. Yesterday I had my first of two psych exams … It went okay. Not amazingly, but with a bit of luck I’ll pass. Tomorrow is my second psychology exam and I don’t know how well I will do. It’s all about the things that I can’t seem to get, it just wont stay in my head.

A day after my last post my ex and I talked. We got into a big argument over what happened when he came home and we haven’t talked since (which is a big deal for people who talk everyday). It all comes down to both of us pushing each other away, even though we don’t want to. The fight is both our faults, me assuming that i had a right to know what he was doing and demanding answers, when we’re not together, and him (typically) promising things that he can’t follow through with. The whole “friends” thing is still so new to us and we can’t seem to grab hold of the concept. We are both use to holding hands, kissing, hugged, playing around whenever and where ever and we just can’t do that anymore. That will take time to get use to and unfortunately time is something we don’t have.
I have thought about apologizing, breaking the ice, but I dunno .. I almost feel content right now. I don’t miss him, I don’t have an ache, I don’t feel like crying and I don’t really think about him as much as I use to. I mean … I’d love it if he were here, if i could see him as much as I use to. But I don’t feel like its a do-or-die thing, you know? And maybe its because I am in the middle of exams that i HAVE TO pass so they’re all I can think about. Or maybe this is a way to protect myself from him hurting me again … And maybe, just maybe, I am finally letting him go a little further.
Whatever it is, I know that last weekend when he was here proved something to me. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it settled something inside of me.
Maybe it’s just “time” doing it’s job. Who knows … And right now, who cares?

Oh! And I have also found myself a new TV show. Its trashy, of course, but trashy TV is what you need on rainy days and exam time … Its Gossip Girl. Yeah I know its old, but I have never watched it before … Its’ actually keeping me pretty entertained once I finished destroying my brain because of study.

NO JUDGING! Haha 🙂

I hope you’re all doing okay, and life is treating you well …. I think as this blog has proven, life throws you shit but eventually your world rights itself again and you are able to carry on, stronger than you were before and ready for the next curve ball.

Busy & Brighter

Published May 6, 2013 by Tasha

I know it’s been pretty quiet recently, but I’m going crazy with mid-year assessment. I have assignments coming out of my ears, some of them I’m starting and finishing on the day it’s due.
Haha. I don’t know why I do this to myself. My brain must like being stressed.
I promise things will pick up again once June/July holidays finally arrive.

On another note, my tattoo is healing nicely. Its peeling, which apparently is a good thing. Although, the whole healing a tattoo thing is REALLY inconvenient! You can’t wear anything that rubs. You can’t have a bath. Showers have to be cool (and here in Australia we are entering Winter, showering in cold water is SO not appealing!). Showers also have to be short so the skin doesn’t get water logged and scab heavily. You have to put cream on it three times a day at least. You can’t rub or scratch it so you don’t smudge the writing. You can’t use certain creams and soaps or it will draw the ink out of your skin. The tattoo can’t see sun … The list goes on and on! Thankfully this is only for the first two weeks or until your tattoo is healed, then you can start acting like a normal person again.
I have my tattoo on my hip, which I love, but because nothing can rub on it I have to wear my pants just below my hip bone. It’s really uncomfortable and looks so odd. I can’t wait until it’s healed properly.

Life is getting better and better. Nothing major has happened really, it’s not like I’ve met the most amazing guy or anything. But small things happen that brighten my day. Like a close friend of mine, due to deploy soon, will surprise me at Uni or text me unexpectedly. He always knows how to make me smile.
My coach called a few days ago and has said that I am able to move my horse to her stud and training farm. Which is fantastic, it means that I can start training for State and Nationals again.
And my mind is able to think about other things than just my ex. I am able to go a day or so without thinking about him. I know he is still in the back of my mind, kinda like i can “feel” him there. But now I am able to go about my day without hurting and I can smile, laugh at our memories rather than bite my lip and hope the tears don’t fall.
I still miss him a lot though and I don’t know whether it’s because my friend is going to deploy soon and I’m transferring my emotions or if I really do miss him. I know that I am happy when we talk and are able to talk for awhile without killing each other.
But small things like that make my day a little brighter.

This might be my last post for a few weeks, but I’m still here. I still check in. So if you want to talk, I’ll answer.

Keep your head up Beautifuls!

Take a Breath & Pick Them Up

Published March 24, 2013 by Tasha

For three days this week I have managed to go to the gym.
For all of this week  I have managed to ride my horse.
Twice this week I have gone to work.
And I also completed two Journalism assignments, one, two weeks early.
If I look back to what I use to do, that is nothing .. But I have to start somewhere. And so far this has been really good for my mental health. I am feeling a little better within myself (the nights that I don’t have some weird ass dream about my ex) and slowly I am able to do more things during my day.
To a lot of you, this mightn’t seem like anything, but for me … It is a big improvement from when I was curled up under my doona, crying my eyes out and PRAYING that in a year my ex would just magically come back to me.

I still have days, or moments in my day when I will see something, hear a song or something will trigger a memory that will pull at my heart. But I am able to bounce back from those days/moments. At times I still look at my calendar and wonder how I am going to get through this year, but then a small voice whispers, “well you’ve got this far, haven’t you?”

It can only get better from here. Since the break up, since he left to go back to base (basically 3 months ago), it has been a god damn struggle. I have felt my heart break over and over again, multiple times a day. I have had everything shouting at me not to get up in the morning and  I have had to battle against my own heart, mind and soul to continue on but I have got to now. It’s still not easy. And it’s not going to be a walk in the park from now on either. I am fully aware that I am going to have my bad days again, but I am slightly comforted by knowing that those bad days don’t go on forever. They end. They disappear and so does the hurt. And then a brand new day, a lesson or something will emerge and make you realise that the bad days are worth it in the end.

It wasn’t until today, when I had my music blaring and I was running on my local road that I noticed that my heart didn’t hurt as much anymore. Dear god, I still miss him terrible. I still wish that we were together, that the break up didn’t happen. But the hurt isn’t as fresh. I am able to laugh, to smile to joke around. I am able to flirt with other guys without secretly wishing they were my ex.
The only thing that hurts now is the memories and the ache from missing him, which I am use to by now. There is still a small part of me holding onto my ex, hoping for another chance. But the rest of me knows that we’re over. That there is nothing more for me, I gave everything I was and he threw it back into my face. He may have cared, but I highly doubt he ever did love me. I know he lied throughout our whole 21 month relationship. I know that he might of felt hurt that he was breaking my heart, but that he would of got over it pretty quickly. I know that he has no regrets and that he’s led me on. I know that he feels sadness for the loss of our friendship, but I know that he doesn’t care enough to fight for it. I understand that he will never come back to me, and if he does nothing will have changed. I know that we could of had an amazing life together, but that it was just the wrong time for both of us. I completely understand now that I had to let him go in order for me to truly move on.
In the past week, I have come to a lot of conclusions about my relationship with my ex, which have led to peace.

The only thing I don’t know is, will he contact me when he gets his orders? Will he tell me where he is being based for the next few years?
And even though a large part of me has come to terms with how we ended and that we won’t have another chance, a small part of me still wonders, still is curious to see if we could make another go of it in another couple of years. And there is a part of me that wonders if we’ll ever be able to go back to being “just friends” when we’ve got the history we do?

I guess there are still somethings that are up for question, and they will only be answer at the end of this year. But for now I am content with my life.

It has been amazing to see what a little exercise, healthy eating and “me time” can do, how much it can heal the heart and mind.
It was pretty much the last thing I felt like doing straight after my break up and the death of my best friend, but slowly I have got there. And maybe I needed that time, maybe we all need that time, to heal. To cry and scream. To question God, “where the hell are you?! Why are you letting this happen to me?!?” Maybe we all need that time to grieve, and only grieve, before we are able to pick ourselves up and carry on.
Because three months on, I am able to pick up the pieces. I may not be able to successfully glue my heart back together again, but I feel that I am able to bend down and pick up the shattered and bruised pieces lying all over the floor.

You mightn’t be there yet, but try it. Test it out. Even if it’s just a slow walk with your dog. It helps, I promise you. And before you know it you’re able to look at the broken pieces of your heart and start collecting them again. You mightn’t be strong enough to use the super glue yet, but you might just have enough strength to reach out and touch the pieces on the floor. And that’s a start. That’s where we ALL start.

Just take a breath sweetie, and pick them up.  

Looking Back On December

Published March 4, 2013 by Tasha

Straddling a stone bench today, I busily uploaded my edited photos to my other blog. I came across one that had a quote attached to it. Just reading that quote sent me back to a time when I was dating my Airman. A series of flashbacks errupted in my brain and it made my heart pinch. At that moment, all I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms.

The quote read: “She loves you because you believe in her so much more than she does and you expect so much more from her than she does from herself.”

It took me back to early December last year. I was in Moldova (Eastern Europe) for my “schoolies”. It was meant to be a good experience but instead it ended up scarring and terrifying me. I remember my second or third week there He called and I was so beside myself I broke down in tears. I missed him, I was homesick and I was being treated very badly in a country I didn’t know trying to communicate with people that knew no english, without any one I was familiar with.
I was a mess and he sat threw it all. He stayed up through out the night and until early morning talking to me and calming me down, even though he had a massive training exam that morning. He was so supportive, caring, compassionate, he was the best boyfriend ever and he got me through the whole 4/5 weeks I had overseas. His voice was soothing as he kept telling me he believed in me, that he loves me and he will always be there for me. And if I closed my eyes against the snow and wind, i could almost feel him next to me. Those couple of hours on the phone were amazing and I will never forget how he helped me. I honestly believe he pulled me through those weeks.

But to think back to that and realise with a thud that I am in this situation now almost kills me. I think my heart broke all over again. I missed that. There have been times in Uni that I feel utterly alone and lost, even in a massive crowd of people. I see couples together, people laughing and smiling with each other. And I would give anything to have a friend with me, to have him back with me. I would give anything for “us” to be fixed, for me to run into his arms …. I would kill to have the past couple of months be a bad nightmare.
I want to wake up.

Right now it is taking me everything in me not to break down and cry. I am struggling to continue with my day. I still have the afternoon to get through. It is easier to just push away the memories, because if you remember how good everything was you’ll end up falling apart all over again.

This will be the hardest year of my life. Starting Uni, finalising a few things, working and not seeing or talking to him for a year. It is going to trial my strength. It is going to test everything I have.
All I want is for him to return to me.

I now know why you don’t look back on the memories. 

Busy, My new Life Raft

Published February 20, 2013 by Tasha

Never underestimate the power of business. Trust me. It can do amazing things.

For the past couple of days I have been busy attending “getting started” lecture type things at Uni, today was market day. And not once have i felt my heart hurt. There have been only moments in the day where my ex has popped to the front of my mind, usually when I see a person from the high school my ex and I attended together. Sure, the rest of the time he was still there, in the back of my mind. But I met new people, laughed, danced and signed up to different things without worrying about if I have to save room for him. Whether I have to check with him to see if there is an important function I have to attend, or if I have to save that weekend to fly down to him.
I mean, yeah sure, I wish that we were still together and I know I could still do all these things while being with him. But when I met guys, I was able to flirt. I didn’t have to keep myself in check.

Yesterday my ex and I got into a argument and I almost walked away. I felt strong enough and happy enough to walk away from him. But damn, I still have that flicker of hope which didn’t allow me. The good thing about being busy is that I am content to see where my ex and I end up, but I am also happy enough to meet new guys. Not date them, just be friends with them.

Like tonight, I am going to a party. I don’t have to be thinking “oh shit is my boyfriend going to call?” or having to text him because its the only time in the day we are able to talk. If he text tonight I don’t have to reply back, not straight away. I can reply back later on or the next morning. Seriously … Being busy has been my life saver!

Don’t get my wrong. I still miss him. I still love him. I still want him and no body else. But it feels like I can be happy, I can smile and party without faking it all. My heart doesn’t hurt quite so much anymore. And I am so so so glad.

So don’t underestimate being busy. You will still think about him from time to time but it will help you get stronger. It will let you believe you can move on with your life without him. It will give you a new sense of freedom you didn’t even know you missed. If you have had a long term relationship you will start to realise that you can start building a life of your own, your own future with your own dreams. You don’t have to think about your partner, or what they want, if you still have time for them if you do this and that. Seriously … Do not be afraid to be busy. It will be the best thing for you.

It will become your life raft

One Foot in Front of the Other

Published February 10, 2013 by Tasha

Since my last post I have learnt why my ex was ignoring me and since he told me I have felt myself getting stronger and stronger. He wasn’t ignoring me, but something serious had happened to him and he wasn’t able to to get to this phone. He is alright now, and it did scare me but something inside of me has settled now. Or is settling.

I haven’t heard from him since Friday and that’s okay. I don’t have that cruel sinking feeling anymore. I don’t feel so lonely and while the ache is still there, it is bearable now. I know that when I go to Uni, when I go out I will see couples and I will feel that stabbing pain again but I know I’ll be able to cope with it.
I am not checking my phone every five minutes wondering if there is a message waiting for me from him.
I am not trying to figure out if we ever have a chance again.
I am not constantly thinking of him. Sure he is always in the back of my mind, and things will happen in my day that will remind me of him or I will find myself wishing he was there with me, but he isn’t constantly at the front of my mind. Constantly reminding me that we are no longer together. Constantly making me tear up.

And maybe this is what moving on is. Or maybe the distance is now settling in. Maybe I have clicked back into how I use to deal with the distance. And maybe it will all come crumbling down when I see him again, whenever that will be.
I am in no shape to start dating again, or even start looking for a new guy, as a big part of me (if I’m being honest with myself, all of me) is still hoping, wishing, wanting him to come back to me soon, ready …. But I am no longing for him like I have been. I still think of him. I still love him and hate what has happened to us. And I am still upset. But I am learning how to cope with it.

Since that last post, there have been moments when I really needed him there with me and he just couldn’t be. And maybe that is what has kick started my healing. Maybe I realised that he can’t be there for me anymore and I have to accept that. The quicker the better. I honestly don’t know what has changed, but it changed as soon as he sent me that one text, explaining why he hadn’t been in contact. Things from then on slotted into place.

I doubt that i will hear from him a lot in this coming year. His training is becoming insane and he wont have much time for anything apart from eat, sleep, train. And I will be starting my new routine soon (FINALLY!!). Horse riding, dancing, gym, Uni, work and hopefully friends. So our routines will clash and there will only be a few minutes a day that we might both be free to send a quick text here and there. Which is absolutely fine. I will miss him like crazy, I already do. But throughout the duration of our friendship and when we started dating, I made myself very available to him, I was there when he wanted to contact me, I was able to go out whenever he wanted, I went out of my way half the time so I could see him. I can’t do that anymore, and I think that will be a good thing.

There is also something else developing in my life right now, but I shouldn’t say anything until it is finalised and I know it’s going to happen. That is also adding to the distraction and my lack of time to feel sorry for myself. I am hoping that I meet some great people at Uni.

I know there will be days when I break down and cry over him, yet again. But I will be able to pick myself up and carry on. Because I have to.
I am learning how to live my life without him. And part of me feels incredibly sad about that. I always thought he would be a part of my life, a big part of it. I never thought that i would have to live without him. Make massive life-changing decisions without him because I always felt that we would end up together. That we would always be together. I honestly thought he was my partner in life. But another part of me, a small part of me for now, is happy … Excited for my new life. I know that I have some great friends already, one of them has been an excellent support for me over the course of this break up, and I know that I’ll be alright. Someday, I am going to be alright. And that may be when I am with him again and we’re laughing over this, or that could be when I am with another guy and I am explaining to him how young I was all those years ago.

But what this year is already teaching me is to put one foot in front of the other and you will be okay. You will make it through the storm eventually and you will be a stronger person because of it.

And I will make it through this. I now know that I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, to just breath and know that God has a place for me in this world. Just like my ex told me.