I’m sitting here, right next to the air con, trying to get cool. Queensland is horrible. Its dry, windy heat that we don’t have in the Northern Territory.
Beside me are my mum’s flatmate’s three poodles. They too are stretched out on the bed trying to find away to cool down. It’s too hot.
For the past 4 months I’ve gone to sit down and write, but instead I’ve stared at the blank screen trying to figure out what to write. How do I make my ordinary life interesting? How do I reach out to my followers like all those good blogs do? How do I touch your lives with my seemingly boring one?
I don’t have an answer, so instead I’ll give you just another update.
Since my last entry, nothing much has changed. Same things, just a different day. Uni, Work, Training, Boyfriend. Everything is going smoothly.
Although I didn’t do as well as I wanted to in Uni this year, I accomplished other things. My horse is really coming along. He’s fat and happy, not getting the exercise he deserves right now but that will soon change when I get back from my holiday in Queensland.
My relationship is better than ever. Sometimes I wait for the other shoe to drop, I wait for a problem to crop up and shatter this blissful feeling, but no. Every hurdle that comes out way we seem to just step over effortlessly. Together. We travel back and forth to each other, mostly taking it in turns. I’m absolutely in love with him. I hope it’s only upwards from here.
Nothing much has changed in the last four months. I’m feeling much more settled in Darwin. I still struggle to call in home, but I feel content and happy there. Poor for the majority of the time, but just rich enough to put a little petrol in the ute and just a little food in me. The life of a Uni student I suppose.
I wont promise you I’ll start writing more, but I’d like to try. Its good and healthy and it keeps me busy in the heat of the day.
So, I’ll see you soon lovelies.
Its shitty weather. I’m wearing a jumper and long pants and its in the middle of summer …
Which, usually, makes everyone lazy. Me included.
But today, I have manage to finish packing. Yes that’s right. In three days we’ll get the keys to the new place and from then to the 1st we will start moving all our stuff in. I can’t believe it’s all happening. Where did the past two weeks go? Where did all my “saved” money go!?
Everyone told me it’d go fast, but they never told me how the sheer panic mixed with utter excitement and overflowing happiness would rush through you as D-day fast approaches. Once I leave my house I am truly and utterly alone … Money wise that is. To an 19 year old with an expensive hobby and a boyfriend who is a state away in the Air Force, it’s a scary thing.
I can do it. I have to do it. There’s no turning back now!
It’s taken me a long time to come to terms about whats happening and its taken equally as long to accept. Normally writing about such things given me some sort of peace, a out let. Isn’t that why we all do it? To see all our thoughts and feelings on a page, and try to make sense of it all.
And sometimes it does. You have those moments, in mid-sentence, where it suddenly all becomes clear. But this time I had to make some sort of sense of whats happening to actually put it in words.
My parents are separating.
To a lot of you, it sounds so simple. Sure, you will understand how messy it can get and how upsetting it can be. But to me, its one thing on top of another. My mother is being left with nothing and my father is someone I don’t even recognize anymore. My sister cries herself to sleep every night and she is so close to jumping off the deep end. My family is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it.
I was brought up in a Christian household. Separation/ divorce is a sin. I was brought up with strong beliefs and as I’ve gotten older I have adapted and formed my own values and beliefs. But when your parents, who have taught you that love is eternal and marriage is forever, suddenly announce their separation it shakes you and everything you thought you believed in, seems to crumble. It has taken me many months and several heart to hearts with Him to right myself again. My sister on the other hand, is a ball of rage and I’m yet to figure out who or what she’ll take it out on.
Things started off fine and then they got messy. My father started threatening my mum and she is doing everything in her power to keep him happy so she can have my sister 50/50. Including not getting anything, no money, no house nothing. All the money is going to my father and my mum is starting off from scratch. From her first pay check. Luckily she is able to flat with her best friend, but she is still expected to pay for my sister’s private school, her ballet and girl guides. Among supporting herself and my sister as just two people.
I have never been more mad at my father.
Luckily I am able to almost support myself and my horse. And thankfully I am moving out in 8-10 days. Which is the happy part of all things. I will be moving out with my best friend and her boyfriend. And even though their relationships isn’t the best right now, we cannot wait to live together. And I can’t wait to start living this new chapter of my life.
The Boy (Him) is good. Things have been a little rough the past week but we are slowly pushing through. We are starting to prove to each other that we’re both as serious about this as the other. And I am starting to believe him when he says “I’m here to stay”. We still have a very long way to go and we still have a lot of battles we need to overcome, but its nice to have peace in at least once aspect of my life.
I guess that’s it for now. As I settle into my new house I will start back with the recipes and they will flood your feed! I have some good ones up my sleeve.
Today I had set aside to organize my life (yet again) … But I missed my alarm, fell down a couple of stairs and did my ankle in, realised that no one in my family has gone shopping (including me) so there is NOTHING to eat and noticed that my bank account has been frozen (still). Awesome start to the morning.
Hopefully after the icepack has melted and I have strapped my ankle it will be okay and I will be able to drive to my bank and figure out why my account hasn’t been unfrozen yet.
I have about a million assignments to do, thankfully they aren’t due for another couple of weeks but … The weather is too nice to be stuck inside writing up stupid Psych papers. Excuses Excuses I know but I’ve had a crappy week so far .. Im entitled to them.
I’m sorry for the lack of recipe updates, I have been so poor and busy lately that I just haven’t been able to get to the shops let alone cook something and have time to eat it like a civilised human being. But they will be coming, I have Uni holidays coming up at the end of this month and its when I plan to start a whole new routine. Make a few more changes to my life.
Talking about changes, I can’t believe how much I’ve grown and changed this year. From the start of this year to now .. I never thought i’d make it this far. But I have and I’ve had the strength to let go, change and grow. It amazes me what you can do when you set your heart and mind to something.
And as for my last post?
That was …. I think I was totally stressed and tired from Uni. When he told me I was in a class and it was just the icing on top of a very unstable cake. But when I woke up the next morning my head and heart was clear. I was surprised at how quickly I “got over it”. But as another blogger explained to me, he took me back to a place of hurt. It wasn’t that I was falling back into that big black hole more that he reminded me of someone I used to be and the hurt I felt.
A few days after he brought it up again and tried to understand WHY he did it. He cannot figure out why he slept with her and kept reassuring me that it wasn’t anything to do with me personally. It wasn’t because she was prettier, or smarter or better then me in any way, shape or form. His explanation and this other blogger’s amazing comments helped me to understand what was going on.
I also explained to him that yes it did hurt and it did upset me at first but that it’s something I, we, can move past. I know there’s no point in tearing him apart over it or causing more damage to our already shaky friendship.
And on that note …. Spring is finally here. Flowers, sunshine and warmth. It means that summer is just that much closer as is christmas, beach, parties and holidays. And before we know it, it will be a new year with new possibilities and new loves.
Some may not be ready, but bring on December …. Christmas. Summer. Beach and a whole new year.
Every time I think about this my heart gives a little jump.
My ex and I have been talking on and off a little more lately (surprise, surprise), and out of the blue he told me that they were putting in their preferences. He then continued to tell me what bases he wanted to go to. His first preference was a base just 45 minutes away from me.
I don’t understand why he was telling me all this, I mean I like that he is. Not so I know what is going on with him, but just because its nice to know that he still wants to share things with me. But my heart jumps every time i think about him being here, permanently.
I’m not holding my breath though, I know how the Air Force works … They’ll send him where they need him. Only another few months until he graduates and we find out where he’ll be headed off to!
On another completely different note …. I have a Colour Run in early October! Its 5ks and every K there’s a colour powder that is thrown at you. It looks awesome. I have three of my close friends coming with me as well. Sigh. Everything about that trip is perfect. Its at the coast, in warm weather. So we’re going up the day before, staying at my parents hotel, going to the beach and being girls. Then the next day we’ll be up, running and getting covered in powder. After we’ll be going to the “After Party” …. I can’t wait.
Sorry for the blubbering, I’m just so excited! And it will also be another short term goal for my fitness and healthiness.
&& Just so you guys know, I’m starting up another little section here. If you don’t see it in the next couple of days, it means that my idea sucked and I deleted it … But I’m going to add another “category” for my fitness & health. As you can see, I already have my recipes up so now I’ll put up a fitness one.
I guess that’s all there is for now, in my own little world.
Keep your head up & you’re heart beating!
It’s been a little while since I wrote and I’ve got to say, I’ve missed it.
Currently I am smack bang in the middle of assessment. I feel like having a breakdown every time I look at all my assessment. Between national’s training and Uni assessment I hardly have time to function as a normal human being!
So I haven’t forgotten you all, beautiful people, I am just extremely busy and have no emotional energy to write something good!
For the past three days my ex and I have been talking. It’s nice. No, it’s better than nice. Its almost back to the old days. We have been flirting our asses off as well as talking about our past. Talking about feelings we still have, chances we wanted and maturity issues regarding our past relationship.
Nothing has changed. And I don’t think it ever will. But its nice to know that I’m not crazy for having feelings for him still and relieved that HE actually has feelings, deeper than the superficial stuff, and is an actual human being.
I just hope it doesn’t blow up in my face and ruin all the healing I’ve done.
Training for nationals is hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be but my body is getting tougher. It only complains here and there. Haha.
I hope you’re all doing okay. Remember I’m here if you need anything!